... treat the rejeted parent with extreme hostility, diosobedience, defiance, and withdrawal. When these individuals are higher in borderline tendencies, they often offer exaggerated accusations against the other parent—accusations that may, in fact, be projections of their own negative attributes (calling the other parent "selfish," for instance, when they themselves actually demonstrate more selfish behavior). Alas! I only responded to you once in another thread, unless you mean all the other comments you may have planted and I may have responded to. Make sure that you stay alcohol-free, and that you have documentation or people who can testify on your behalf that you have not been drinking and for how long. But today, mothers and daughters have to navigate their different lives, opportunities, and views about being female, and for some mothers and daughters this causes conflict, as they fight over who is right and who is wrong. PS. Parental Alienation: What Can an Alienated Parent Do? Ment Health Fam Med (2018) 14: 725 - 739 translation/double blinded peer-reviewed), 5. 4. I hope you had a Blessed Easter Joel, with your family - including Josh – and I wish you the best going forward. Although they literally live 300 feet apart he has not seen his son in three months. She became almost crazed, wouldn't take medicine, wouldn't follow doctor's orders, blamed everything on my brother and by extension my whole family. A Message to Parents: Don’t Squander Your Inheritance, Coping with COVID-19 Co-Parenting Challenges. Individuals with borderline personality features may become mad when someone of import to them won't give them what they want—e.g., a spouse who has decided to leave the marriage, perhaps because the alienating partner was not capable of forming a healthy, loving, and collaborative partnership. I do not know any of the judges names. By Marguerite Kelly. Mothers should recognize that if they’ve done a good job raising their daughters to be smart and independent, the parents have to trust that their children will make thoughtful choices. I was i a situation where my ex wife attempted to alienate me from my children. The girls have been deprived of being able to have virtually any relationship with their loving father, and he has been deprived of a chance to be a real father. In general, the alienating parent is the least emotionally healthy of the two; they're often more wealthy, as well, and are better able to afford legal challenges. Child support until the child is 21 also in my state. Your story is a model, an excellent model, of how targeted parents can eventually regain their children, and also minimize the abusive impact of the alienator, without expensive, exhausting and so often ineffective court involvement. And tragically, many more good dads have given up the hope of ever having a meaningful relationship with their children. Too often in situations like this the alienating parent goes along with what the department decides. In addition, please feel welcome to check out here the dozen or so additional articles on alienation have which I posted on this website, as well as key articles by others about the problem. After I figured out what was wrong, I apologized to my mom and we had a great relationship. 3. If the child lives primarily with them, they may hope that the ex can be compelled to provide additional child support. e) The courts, and then social services, and then the supposed therapist, and then the "reintegration therapist" all side with the alienating mother in keeping the girls away from the father. 4. Thank you for your understanding. In this regard, they have deficits in emotional resilience, or the ability to recover after feeling frustrated or disappointed. child has no choice but to spiral out of control, becoming more and more antisocial in their behavior and responses. That's bizarre. As he has no funds we will look into the presenting yourself in court option but as we find justice and the law don't necessarily go hand-in-hand we are not optimistic. I never intended for any harm to come to my son and tried really hard to help him think positively about his father. If a parent is making false allegations against the other, that's an indicator of parent alienation. The central element in borderline personality disorder, on the other hand, is emotional hyper-reactivity. They have two boys. I feel like I've unwittingly stepped into a snake pit on this forum, so I think I'll just step right back on out. Linda Nielsen, author of Between Fathers and Daughters, writes "Sadly, only 10-15 percent of fathers and daughters get to enjoy the benefits of shared parenting. Three years ago cancer was found she was forced to have a double mastectomy. Well, Of course, they need to be protected. Dr Kruk is an associate professor of Social Work at the University of British Columbia in Canada who has written extensively on this topic and is the president of the International Council on Shared Parenting. And my point is that severe alienation may have even more pervasive and long-term impacts. This kind of either/or, all or nothing, angel or devil, way of thinking is characteristic of what's called borderline personality disorder. My son is innocent of this crime, has passed a polygraph test but his case is being reviewed by the prosecutor and he is waiting to find out if charges are going to be filed against him. I know she speaks directly to the 15-year-old referring to his father by his name rather than by "dad" and when she's not talking to him to his face he hears are talking to his older brother, grandmother and various other people with my brother always spoken in the negative. The bias is now against mothers, not fathers. I wish I could be more helpful. STATISTICAL INFORMATION FROM A superb recent article. Look especially at item #8. For the child, the biopsychosocial-spiritual effects of parental alienation are devastating. At my age, I was not seeking a child to parent and would gladly have deferred custody to my sister (who refused it) but I did not want him to go to foster care because I feared that his ODD would result in his being moved from one home to another. I have bpd. My brother said to him "you only call me when you want something" and wouldn't hand over the games. Does that mean a parent who sexually abused his child should still have custody of that child, even if that is not the child's wishes? No question about that. That is, they lie, and are good at it. As you said, it's criminal. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. If you are struggling with a situation of parental alienation, change is possible. She is doing well financially he is not. Boch-Galhau, W. von, et al. Their goal, then, becomes the destruction of the other parent's relationship with the children. Lastly, check here for information about ways to manage the inevitable negative emotions triggered by alienation. Yes I know..what about the kids who are abused by parents…! (I think Jordan Peterson, the Canadian clinical psychologist said something to that effect. I blame myself for this as I did lie. No child should be put in that position. When there are children involved the narcissist uses the children to get back at the other parent. The court granted her full custody. I wish I could fix it but sometimes we just have to step back and watch as our children make mistakes and be there to help them when they see the truth. potentially seriously damaging, issue. She is 32, I have a beautiful granddaughter, every time she does not like me, she says I will not be able to see my granddaughter. Other alienators, and especially those who start alienating the child early on, during the marriage, may be motivated by the desire to have the child for themselves alone. Did you tell them? My son's constitutional rights have been totally violated and he has not seen his daughters in 5 months. The exception comes if one parent is clearly abusive or neglectful vis a vis the children. I know this from personal experience, having 2 brothers; one of whom continues to challenge the bias against men in family courts just to have a glimpse of his children despite his health. Edward Kruk's article is poor reasoning --correlation is not causation and there's no proof that the outcome is any better for children living with two parents where one parent is abusive than with a single, non abusive parent. He did not get to see his two daughters virtually at all for several years. He pretended I was sick so that he could be the 'good parent' taking care of me while my mother was 'crazy'. I suspect that Josh is just as confused about the whole situation as you are. It's sad. Can you cite any sources? Psychology Today © 2021 Sussex Publishers, LLC, AI Gains Social Intelligence; Infers Goals and Failed Plans, How Visualizing "Hoped-for Future Selves" May Affect Destiny. The truth is, children rarely lie about being abused. 2. I was falsely accused of something and contrary to what the legal system is supposed to do I have instead been -guilty until proven innocent. Perhaps my comment would have been more clear if I had added the word "can." Your comments reassured me that I'm on the right path with Josh. Over the course of the last 6 years, my son and I have grown further and further apart. Many adult daughters hold a story of their mothers that is based more on the daughters’ wounded memories than on the real truth of their mothers’ lives. The children could hear a different version of me, my family made sure they were available for me to call from over seas. Empathic mothers are attuned to the emotional welfare of their children; narcissistic mothers represent a perversion of the maternal instinct. Not sure how Susan Heitler can just claim the child wasn't abused. from The Journal of Family Violence, Volume 10, Number 3, p 253-264, 1995 But not against his father. Daughters who hate their mothers [ 6 Answers ]. She then ran and called the police thinking she could get ahead of it but once they came and questioned all three she was arrested although the boy tried to change his account. Your article on what constitutes parental alienation fairly screams her name. The amount of love they get elsewhere. Some say that it ruins the life of a child even more than verbal, physical or even sexual abuse. I told my son he was in a school to learn things he didn't know. I have read this article by Dr. Warshak. Be sure to read the following responses to this post by our bloggers: I have had legal custody of my great-nephew for 6 years. It's my opinion that she just went nuts when my dad turned me against her and then when I returned to her, she alienated me against him by telling lies because she wanted to get justice. Pitch in. Any suggestions? .. A huge thank-you to you for bringing to my attention the mistaken authorship attribution of the blog I refer to. You are on the right path here Joel, sharing your story as a means of supporting other fathers who are on a similar journey. Women are groomed to be blamed , From birth, look at Christianity, Eve was evil for taking the apple and Adam could do no harm. Additionally: 2. I no longer have a relationship with either. I was alienated from my mother by my father. Parental alienation syndrome, a term coined in the 1980s by child psychiatrist Dr. Richard A. Gardner, occurs when one parent attempts to turn the couple's children against the other parent. I agree with you whole-heartedly that judges are out of their depth in understanding that the "child's best needs" necessitates the ongoing involvement of both parents following divorce - then custody/access would be a non-issue. BAKER AND DR. LOWENSTEIN, DR. After that they were headed for divorce. For Josh's sake - it's best to focus on what you can change in your own life. I assume he's in school now although I know he started the year at least a week late because his mother said my brother didn't provide her with his Social Security number or copy of his birth certificate. and Parental Alienation You are fortunate that over the last few years, and even in the last few weeks, more and more excellent information about alienation is getting published. So what is parental alienation (sometimes referred to as parental alienation syndrome)? So it's not surprising that there are ways that mothers see their daughters raising their kids and think it should be different. I have one who is almost legally of age and should no longer be subject to the tyranny Of their father but it still leaves me with a very strong need to understand how it happened to begin with. Sounds Billy like you are compiling a directory of some sort for directly discussion PAS with the judges who seem not to understand the phenomenon. At the same time, different kids have different reactions to alenation and also to verbal/physical abuse. Do have your brother (and you) check out the list of resources I've gathered on my TherapyHelp website (click Parental Alienation on the menu at the top of the page). Am I wrong to expect her to keep in contact with me at least once a week just to make sure she is OK? She has subjected him to many forms of legalese and I have been loaning him the money for an attorney but I'm almost tapped out. Again, he has an “us against her” attitude – the same tactic he … Although I was medicated as a simple depression case for many years. One option is for your brother to represent himself in court. Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today. What questions would I ask my therapist, or what assessments could I ask to take to help find a problem if there is one? arrogantly feel they are protecting the child yet they tend to do just the opposite and destroy the family. I'm not arguing with you that PA isn't a serious issue in the context of continuing domestic violence by proxy. I'm asking for you to support your suggestion that PA is more ruinous for a child than sexual abuse, which you have not done. have given voice to the long-suffering, isolating experiences of fathers who are prevented from seeing their children because of bias against men in the family court system. Keep in mind that the last "offense" was a year ago. ", By contrast, physically abused children fear the abuser and act obsequious, respectful, and compliant so as to avoid angering the parent..." "/Also, physically abuse children often resist separation from the abusive parent and want to be reunited with that parent.". I'm working on me today and not allowing others to stop me from getting well. Thank you for sharing your experience. (2018) Demosthenes Lorandos, William Bernet, and SR Sauber (2013): Parental Alienation: Handbook for Mental Health and Legal Professionals, EC Paediatrics 7.8: 820 – 822. b) The courts took away the parental rights of the father. Thank you for your insightful response to Joels plight. Thank you so much for sharing about your situation. Their physical size. If you are estranged from your adult child, chances are they have told you why—you just chose to ignore it. Gather others such as teachers, neighbors, kids' sports coaches who can testify on your behalf that your children should not be deprived of their mother. A pleasure to meet you Angela. She had a double mastectomy and seems to be in remission at this time. The key is to be sure that your children have positive relationships with both parents. When a grown daughter is mean to her mother. How is determination of the truth made? Joel, let your steadfast patience and your quite determination (to be more involved with your son) be the antidote to the frustration you feel for Josh's Mom. She blames my brother and even my family for everything including the dissolution of their marriage because we wouldn't help her help him change. Narcissistic individuals tend to be self-absorbed, and most centrally, they show deficits in their ability to listen to others' differing perspectives. “Where Did I Go Wrong? He told me lies about her and encouraged me heavily to tell doctors that she was nuts. I do hope though that you do not give up. Hi Billy, Your story was so similar to what is happening in our family I had to comment. The key is to get very educated about alienation. I don’t mind supporting my child after 18, but any support should be handed directly from father to child at that point. How do you make this decision within your practice? Very interesting that you believe this. It's such a dreadful phenomenon, and, I'm learning, far more common than I had imagined. Amy Baker is a psychologist who chooses not to be licensed and instead, practices as an unlicensed PA life coach. It was the trauma of being cut off from the preferred parent who they were attached to that led to addictions, depression and suicide and the childrens' experiences are confirmed by a Dept. of Justice Study (Saunders Report). She spent the night with him before the next day's court proceedings and he thought perhaps they were back on the right track The next morning she appeared in court he did not and she was awarded their two condominiums, their small House that my brother had put the down payment on and renters had paid most of the mortgage and my brother paid the end of the house off. Their temperament, Lots of factors figure in.... Susan Heitler, Ph.D., is the author of many books, including From Conflict to Resolution and The Power of Two. In a blind fury she pulled a handgun out and discharged it. Totally untrue. This is the same type of relationship that many dads that I know have with their children from a divorce type situation. It is very common for mother's to misunderstand their daughters behavior. These mothers may try to influence what they see as necessary individuation by reducing the amount and nature of contact with their daughters. A study by Prof. Joan Meiers of GWU shows that bias is now against mothers, not fathers. As my brother and I looked through photos for the memorial service a policeman came to our door – on Valentine's Day – and served us with papers as she tried to sue us in a money grab attempt. Douay-Rheims Bible For I came to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. Puberty is a time of rapid physical changes that can make girls feel uncomfortable and socially awkward. Sadly my son, who is a good and loving father, is denied the rights to see his children and the children's mother is the parent who is unstable and committing crimes of psychological and emotional abuse upon my granddaughters. Wishing you and your brother the very best. Equal Shared Parenting is so much more of a rational approach, in contrast to the antagonistic, adversarial atmosphere present within family courts. That article just came out, and aims to educate lawyers and judges. You cannot control how she thinks and behaves but you can control what you think and how you behave in the world. Go for it—starting today. Typically, kids benefit by the presence of both parents. Healthy individuals can be trusted. But that is another story. She leaves Friday night and usually doesn't come home until Sunday night. As a first step, learn where you can get more information about parental alienation. Do we care. The mother-daughter relationship can be quite ... , that if they in turn have ... no mothers love their daughters! The mother and I weren’t married. KRUK OF CANADA, 2009, 4. They are harmed when parents put them in the middle of their power battles. Here in Alberta, we have the PAAN (Parental Alienation Awareness Network of Alberta) blogpost to support those interested in finding additional resources/supports on this topic. English Revised Version It is not just the lack of a father or mother, (think families where a father or mother has passed away in an intact family), but instead think about the psychological abuse from PAS which pushes these kids to react so horribly. I was talking to Cathy, a 46-year-old mother, who had been alienated by her 14-year-old daughter. -year study is now in the hands of Canada's I sat him and explained what i could in a non accusing way. Keep? 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